what I want

 

I've always thought that people who rely on the new year for some kind of new start are really a bit dumb. A date ticks over and people hope it will bring some new thing. And then I'm sitting here now hoping for that. I thought it so stupid before so to be hoping for it I suppose shows to me how not content I am with things now.

 

I think if you can think about what you want and tick things off when you achieve them you can feel better about yourself. So some goals, I wont write them as definite because I never really can set things that I intend to go for for definite.

 

Next year I want

 

Some kind of job. I'd be a bit proud of myself then, I'd feel like somebody, more.

 

To make it to the vandem freeride

 

To have something other than skateboarding that makes me feel properly happy and like I'm making something happen.

 

To generally be happier. So many days I just have no motivation, when I'm away from college and skateboarding I really feel shit too much of the time. It's not good, and I don't want this. I suppose now I realise that I've spent a while like how I feel now, with too many shit days.

 

Thing is, I don't know the order of how to go about achieving these things. Would having a job make me feel like less of a shit person? How would I feel like going out and doing that if I feel as I do now? How do I get motivation when for too long now I've had so little?

 

I want to be happy, employed (however small), motivated and skating as much as I can.

 

I've got a cv, and theres a few in my bag. I printed one ages ago and it's taken so long to even think and put one in my bag. A lot of the time I just don't think, and then feel shit about whatever later. I suppose you could call that some kind of step, although to think of that as one makes me feel pretty useless.

 

I've had a policy recently of just trying to avoid writing on the internet when I feel shit, and I think this very post is a reason why I decided to do that.

I, Skateboarding person

A few days ago I realised the vague funny-ness of having got into "skateboarding" several years ago (because I looked at people skating in the skatepark and it dawned on me that I could buy a cheapo argos board for a fiver and get involved too) and then skating on my own a lot, hating it, finding people to skate with, skating hills with them, loving it, and then ending up skating a lot on my own again and really, really enjoying it.

The argos board that I bought probably funded some massive corporation. It gave them a fiver, the board was shit and I snapped a bit off the trucks standing on it in the living room, but it gave me skateboarding, and I have ended up giving money to the nice "skater" companies. That should probably just be "nice companies" actually, because the idea that skateboarding makes you immune from being a bellend is a false one based upon the skatery "everythings cool in skateboarding" thing.

So big companies and shit, cheap skateboards are not always a bad thing. Books and covers and skateboards.

 So anyway the skating I do now, on my own, is sort of freestyle. Although firstly a word with "free" in it that refers to doing one thing in a certain way isn't very accurate and secondly using the word "style" inside any sentence referring to me skateboarding is a bit dodgy.

So if you divide the skating i've done into thirds, you get- roughly, the bit where I skated parks and around here on my own and was a bit tired of it, the bit where I skated hills with people and loved it, and now, where I want to go and skate hills with good people but the opportunities are few, and I spend my time doing this, "freestyley thing".

 I think "free" is better. Free skateboarding. The buy in is any skateboard I like (but mostly a 13"WB sym double kick), the setting is anywhere I like (but mostly a quiet industrial estate with a killer sunset), and the feeling is good. Only once have I gone for a skate and felt a bit shit and not been able to really skate. The rest of the time I just muck around, enjoying the novelty of being a person that has evolved for a fair while to walk around and talk shit, not walking around and not talking shit but rolling around on a funny plank of wood with wheels and trucks and some octane and newtons stickers I cut up and merged and stuck under some clear griptape- that didn't look so good actually, but there might be a philosophical point there (unintentional, mostly).

In the first third of my skateboarding thing I couldn't ollie to save my life. I'd try bloody hard if it were to save my life but the additional pressure wouldn't help. In this third, I can, a bit. A little bit. A little bit moving as well. We're talking airs over ants here but I'm not so sure I care as long as it sounds like an ollie and I'm grinning like an idiot. And the thing is, it's different. It's because I've gone out, and just spent time on a skateboard. Not thought about it, just done stuff which lets you feel more comfortable on a board. You can't climb stairs if you can't walk, unless you are really good at dragging yourself with your hands.Actually thats a shit metaphor and it doesn't help.

But the point is there, and it's something I've thought of before.

You get fuck all for sitting and thinking about how much of a twat you are,

You do get something by doing stuff, any little things build more and more.

So doing skateboarding, enjoying it, mucking around, doing things that arn't "tricks" but I don't care, that is where progress came from and will continue to.

And then progress. That word. I don't know if I care as long as I'm having fun. Skateboarding is, for me, escapism.

I hope sometime in the near future I'm skating on a hill again with good people. But, in the meantime, I am still happy, doing my thing down a miserable looking estate on my tod.

I'm really looking forward to the future, and getting back on a hill, whenever, wherever, with whoever...

Will