Disposability, art and downhill

With stuff you've never taken far before theres a freedom within your lack of expectation. You don't fuck anything up and think you should have done better. 

I used to be completely fucking shit at art, and when I decided I really wanted to do something about that, for a while I really enjoyed the stuff I was doing because I remembered how shit it was to be endlessly useless and to get results that I was ok with was beyond anything I could have expected. 

Then something weird happened. Making artwork became less and less fun because I had an expectation that wasn't there before. I was spending a lot of time trying to make things "good" and then when I was done I'd look at them and not really feel much because I thought that I should be able to do better.

I've rediscovered enjoying art through a project I've been working on, that has involved making a lot of art, quickly, with commitment to each mark. It was really weird at first but embracing just going in with a material and seeing what happens has made the art thing really most awesome to do again. 

Here's some stuff I was actually happy with, because I was creating them quickly and going straight in with charcoal or pen. Theres loads and loads of full on travesties in the book I'm working in, but doing things in this way means I'm not disappointed when that happens.

So I'm enjoying art in a way I haven't for ages, and I'd like to enjoy downhill in a new way again too. 

It's a similar thing, when I mess around on a double kick or play around with trying stand up stuff, I have no expectation of what I should be able to do, so all of it feels fun. Downhill gets away from me because I put pressure on myself, and I'd like to be done with that because I enjoy it so much but sometimes I've felt like I'm on the way to not doing it any more.

 I usually end up watching one of these and realising that I couldn't really not do this thing in some capacity, even a bit of a lame one.

Art and Skateboarding and my mind

Here we are again, I am writing rather than sleeping.

I don't usually write everything here, I try to anticipate what I might regret writing. Anyway, if I was feeling fine I wouldn't be writing here I would be dreaming of things.

It's usually the same things that screw my brain over. I like making art and skateboarding because it bring me out of my mind where I get lost quite a bit. My mind has some features that can be useful, like if I'm feeling good and inspired I can be really productive making things. When I'm not feeling good it translates I think quite obviously into my ability to do things.

I've been having a hard time getting out of bed for a while, this is a bit due to not sleeping much and a bit down to not really waking up very well. I'm used to not feeling very good in the evening, which is now pretty much every one, but now pretty much every morning I have to tell myself that I should get out of bed because of something. And I don't know what to tell myself because I know that I could stay in bed all day and it wouldn't make a blip on a radar anywhere. I'm sorry if that doesn't sound nice but it's how it is. I'm having a hard time getting myself and my mind going in the direction I need to be a better person because even when I do something good I feel bad for being happy at something so small.

So at some point I'm out of bed and I learn, I'm trying to educate myself in the things I want for uni in the summer. I do good hours because that's a bit of my mind that is useful, I like to absorb things and learn. I should feel happy but I don't really because some things are missing.

Heres some stuff I've been making.

The upside to having no life and spending a lot of time and effort on art things is that my work has got a lot better than it was before. I couldn't have done any of this, even these just kind of little things, until quite recently.

I had a good skate today, a good few hours just working on things in the sun. It hasn't been dry for ages but I'm back skating now since it has been a few times this week. Skateboarding makes me so happy because it's something I know how to interact with, I feel good about what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

 I can do some stuff on double kicks that I really enjoy, mostly boneless things because boneless ones rock all day every day. I always thought in my mind I just wanted to learn some way of leaving the ground and along the way I learnt how to just try things on a skateboard and really enjoy it so much more than ever before. Skateboarding has always been there since I found it, and I love that I've never been more creative in how I'm interacting with it.

 In terms of downhill, I got into a nice zone last year. Theres one or two things I know that I want to look at in terms of my setups, like looking at finally grabbing some 38 plates for the fast stuff on my sequel. I'm really interested in making this a good year for sliding, I'd like to learn a whole load of new stuff and can't wait to see what I can do. Theres so much I want to learn and I have the time and perseverance to do it. I still love skateboarding even after having such a long time recently not being able to do it because of the general badness of the weather.

anyway, I don't know who reads these but if I sounded all a bit sad earlier it's because I was, and if I sound better now it's because I am. And that is why I make art, skate and write stuff on the internet.

I'm really tired now so I'm going to sleep. I think that people function better when they are happy and that's what I'm going for in every bit of my life, so watch this space for that or a right big mess of art and skating and talking shit

will

post leaving

At my college, the first one, I was fairly happy because I was able to manage the feeling thats probably been around to my mind since secondary school but maybe earlier. I'm saying that because even though at my second college, even though I wasn't happy there and it was the right decision to leave to reapply this year, I wasn't really bad because I had some kind of "thing" that was there and what I did.

Since leaving it has been difficult in a lot of ways. I can't talk about everything here. Really, a lot of it is that I need to feel like I'm doing ok, and being at a place and doing something, even if it's right to leave, that is something. But since leaving I don't feel that good. My days now, I'm putting good hours into learning. I'm progressing my work in a lot of areas as quickly as I ever have done so I should feel good about that. I'm learning better than if I had stayed at my college, which I should feel really good about. I have a capacity to study and absorb material and this is one of the features of my mind that is useful.

So I am doing better in terms of learning than at the course I was on. So I should feel great, I shouldn't be worried. The thing is though, my evenings are not very good and I'm not sleeping very well because I don't feel great. I've been in a good zone before where I could sleep quite early and wake up quite early. Now though, it's not so much like I get to the end of the day and think, "ok that's done", theres a lack of signing off ability because I'm trying to feel good about myself and not finding it. My mind seems to want to address and fix everything but I really just need to be asleep. You can't fix much on your own in a room at one or two in the morning. It's like waiting for something even though I know there's no point. So at some point I do sleep, and the morning rolls around but it's difficult to get the feeling together to get up. Partly because if your hours are different, they're different, but also there's a lack of good feeling.

Having a good kind of feeling is how you bounce through all of the bits of life that are just a bit obstructive without getting to down about any of it.

Anyway so I normally don't start doing productive things until about 12. I'll usually go until about 5, since that's when people get back and usually the space I'm working in doesn't become so appealing just because I like to have a bit of space. Sometimes, if I'm creating something and I'm really into it I'll go until whenever it's done, if I want to get it done. I'm trying not to do what I did before and start working in the late afternoon and go until midnight because I feel too wired to sleep.

I look at online resources, read and watch traditional and digital artists, photographers e.t.c talk about the work they are doing and the knowledge they have. I spend a lot of time creating in a range of media including traditional and digital paint, photography, pencil drawing and pen drawing. My artwork now is so much better than even a month ago, and compared to a year or two it's in another universe completely. It's not "good", but I can see the progress I am making.

So if I just look at the numbers and the progression of my work, I am doing better than if I stayed at Northbrook. There, I was in two and a half days a week, now I am putting in many more hours in more areas and seeing the results. So I know that I don't need a "place" to work hard and progress what I love doing, which is a cool thing. But I do miss, mostly from my first college since I was there a while longer, just kind of being in an environment with people doing the same kind of things I'm doing. I really like people because I think they are good for me, I think people kind of bring me out of my mind where I'm probably (definitely) really overthinking something and not all that much existing in the real world.

I really like writing like this, I know it's not really the done thing (ha) to be all that honest with how you are feeling, writing online, but it's good for me because I always feel better after expressing a few things. I also think by putting something "out there" I can help create an environment where people feel more like talking about things instead of just putting up with feeling shit.

I had a cold this week, and people understand that because you're coughing or whatever. If you're not feeling great, it affects how you go about your day too. However, writing this, I feel a good difference compared to before writing this. I'm going to get more stuff done today, I do feel a bit tired but I'll probably find some lunch and then start doing things.

The weather outside is really shit and it makes it colder indoors too, but our house isn't full of water.


will

Travels and things

Hello. This is a lifey post.

So I have been to a couple of uni interviews and they went really well. First up was Portsmouth, a place I managed to drop in on last year to have a look around at an open day. Portsmouth is an hour hop on the train, direct, so minimal dorking around in that department. Although alas this saw me have to rock up a full hour early. A full hour!

I got off the train, rucksack on back and folder in hand, and went directly into time killing mode. This is an art refined over many free periods at college and even includes adapting ones walk to the time constraints. However, having to kill an hour when you are a mere five minutes from where you need to be means if you followed this procedure directly you would end up walking so slowly as to draw attention and possibly offers of assistance from onlookers.

So I wandered around a bit. They have a square thing outside a giant hall right by the station. Walking out from under a building into that-with people milling every which way and a giant t.v announcing the news headlines-felt like a scene from something sci-fi. Anyway I find a bench and rock the full on packed lunch because I'm cool like that. It's by a tree, so I sit facing the tree and the rest of the square but keep wondering if the idea is to sit under the tree looking away from it but decide I don't really care and keep eating. All of my food is shit because I made it myself the night before.

Time is too slow so I wander some more, go back on myself, end up at the same bench, find the building I'm supposed to be at later, walk another way, sit on a wall, look up a lot.

Anyway when I couldn't bear any more aimless wandering I arrived at the Eldon Building. It's been redone quite a bit since my last visit so the entrance was somewhere else and all that. It looked good. I wander in like an idiot. (I walk like someone who doesn't really know what their legs are doing but knows it's at least something vaguely like what I intended)
"Hi, I'm here for an interview for illustration" probably becomes "hi'mherrfernillstrtnnplzzz?" but I'm directed to the cafe and sit around. I'm feeling quite relaxed which surprises me. We get called- up a flight of stairs to a room.

Everyone has A1 folders.

I do not.

I detect human awkwardness in the pretty much silence but smile and make some noises in response to things. I don't really mind it just being silence in that sort of situation but some people do.

Anyway the tutor comes in, talks, is very nice and we start filling out question sheets. I write things as best I can think to put them. There's a bit at the bottom where we're supposed to draw what going to an interview feels like. I draw something that comes to mind and it's all kind of nice and I'm pleased with it. We go on a tour and do some interview stuff.

A few days later I got an offer from there. So I have an unconditional offer to study on an illustration degree at Portsmouth if I go for that. High five?

Next up was a further trip to Bournemouth. This involved a bus journey to town, train to southampton, train to bournemouth, bus in bournemouth. Now it sounds kind of funny but not so long ago that would have scared the HELL out of me to the point where I probably wouldn't have done it. And now it isn't something I really think about, which is a nice feeling.

Anyway firstly the yellow buses in bournemouth have faux leather seats which is awesome, and secondly I was very early again due to the long journey. I done some wandering before lurking heavily at a bus stop-packed lunch again, the envy of all around.

Eventually I head to my interview. It's with a few other people and they all seem to know the right things to say. It's really nice though because I get a lot of time to talk about stuff, as people that know me probably have realised I've got a lot of stuff in my head but it can come out like "aderpaderpderpderp" unless I've got time and I can make it all into proper bits of human speak. The interview went as well as it possibly could of done so I await the outcome of that.

Next up I'm going to Winchester School of Art-there's going to be a buffet.

Anyway, the idea of me doing what I'm doing now just wouldn't have been there a while ago. Even halfway through my Btec at Collyers it wasn't on the cards. But I've been working really hard on drawing, painting, digital work, photo stuff and more. I'm absorbing everything I can and the hours are being worked. The improvement from before makes me so happy.

Anyway, happy thursday morning. This went on for a while.

As ever you can find stuff from me on my page which I still don't know what to call:

https://www.facebook.com/ArtistPhotographerWillClare

All carrier pigeons with sweets and other forms of interaction welcomed.

Will

interviews and stuff

So I now have two interviews coming up at Bournemouth and Winchester and then it also looks like one at Portsmouth too. My interview schedule is looking like a south coast tour at the moment.

I'm spending most of my time now putting together my portfolio. It's tricky to judge what should go in because if I know I can do better with a piece of work now, I struggle a bit to want to include it. I know though if I redo everything firstly it wouldn't have been created during the project it was part of (if indeed it was part of a project), and secondly I have to have the thing actually ready on time so I couldn't really.

One of the good things is that I think I can talk quite in depth about the work, because I put a lot of time into it. Yeah partly the time spent doing art is to not think, the contentment when I'm creating something wears off kind of quick when the thinking comes back. I mean theres a list really. I want to make myself into a better person that I actually like and through that get the happiness and self belief that I can do stuff, and things are going to be cool. I know whatever it sounds all messed up but when I feel down it's just because I feel like a bit of a rubbish person. And then you get a bit "this isn't how it should be, I want to be one of those other people."

Anyway, what I think is that this preparing a portfolio and going to interviews will be good for me. Like I really think it's a good step in the right direction of being the kind of person I want to be. Portsmouth, Bournemouth, Winchester, and we'll see where and what is next. 

I think, in terms of the stuff I can do, which is try hard and try to get better, there's not really anything more than that you can do.

So we'll see how they go! The third offer stressing out was less than the second and hugely less than the first (yeah there was a date messup involved ;)) so thats cool. Right now I'm going to try and get to sleep at a reasonable time and get out of bed quicker. I need like a wallace and gromit tipping bed thing.

I hope you are all doing excellently in the land of the internet, wherever you are. Have a good thursday!

5th january

Hi.

So recently I've been spending a lot of time making artwork. I think it will be great if I can make this into a "career", I mean I find the word a little weird, I find it kind of implies gunning for just moving up ladders.

Thats not really where I care about going, right now at least I just like to progress the work I can do, and if I can support myself through making art that will be very cool. If you know me you'll know that for sure I'm not one of those naturally really fluent fine artists. I'm getting better, the work I can do now, even if you just take like a pencil sketch, is in another world to where I was even six months ago. That's a thing that I've improved.

Currently, I'm finding a lot of the time when I'm not directly making art a little bit difficult. This is down to a few things which I'm going to talk about and a few things which I'm not. This kind of writing, talking, helps me out. It's not so much to be read, although I put this out there because I feel that as people, we really suck at admitting when we're finding things tricky because we're worried about what people will think. Well, I don't really mind.

Right now, the weather has been quite bad for a while, and this has more or less removed the going skateboarding bit of my life. Skating when it's wet I don't find that good, so I haven't been doing it. The weather will get better.

I've found for a while that creating artwork suits my kind of nature which is determined to try but kind of not very good at the real life parts of life. I really like it because I can be lost for hours in creating something, and for me it's like putting my mind on holiday. Even though a lot of the time I'm thinking really hard about how to make a piece of artwork improve, I'm not sitting there thinking about all of the ways I'm rubbish as a person.

I get anxious over things like a lot of people do. I'm applying to university this year, so I've applied to five different ones. I've got two interviews coming up so far. When the first one came up, I read the date wrong, and thought it was in a week rather than a month and a bit. I was very nervous very quickly. For a good four days or so I hadn't realised my mistake so I was stressing out in the kind of most not useful way.

What that showed me though was how quickly things can tetris in your mind. And when I realised the mistake and realised that I do have time to prepare a portfolio and sort myself out, there was a very sudden bit of clarity which showed me how I had been caught a bit.

So the second interview offer comes in yesterday, and the stress is there for a little bit but I'm also kind of excited. I think I'm starting to be able to put things in compartments in my mind. As in sometimes I can't help stressing about something, such as an interview, but if I can relax myself I can see that thinking over and over about an interview, how I'm going to get there and what I'm going to say is not the productive thing because I need to put that away for a moment and sort my portfolio out first.

This is the essence of it that I have struggled before because I think that if I let myself forget about something then I'll mess up. A lot of the time I don't have an easy time relaxing, I want to know what is going to happen and if I'm uncertain I feel quite scared. If you spend a lot of time without people the only person to interact with is yourself, and if your own mind isn't really helping you out it can be a little tricky.

Anyway I'm going to post this about now. It's a little late and I want to get up kind of early and have a good day. I'm choosing bits of work to put into my portfolio, it's kind of funny because so much of the stuff from my last one, well I have no idea how it got me onto a course. But I'll probably think that later on about this one. And that means I'm getting somewhere. I just done a full on, pleased with myself smile which hasn't happened for a bit.

Lastly, thanks to the people that understand and cheers to anyone being nice. Really small actions can make so much difference to how you feel.

Keeping trying and going forward. You all rock.

Will :)