Saturday 22 February 2014

Art and Skateboarding and my mind

Here we are again, I am writing rather than sleeping.

I don't usually write everything here, I try to anticipate what I might regret writing. Anyway, if I was feeling fine I wouldn't be writing here I would be dreaming of things.

It's usually the same things that screw my brain over. I like making art and skateboarding because it bring me out of my mind where I get lost quite a bit. My mind has some features that can be useful, like if I'm feeling good and inspired I can be really productive making things. When I'm not feeling good it translates I think quite obviously into my ability to do things.

I've been having a hard time getting out of bed for a while, this is a bit due to not sleeping much and a bit down to not really waking up very well. I'm used to not feeling very good in the evening, which is now pretty much every one, but now pretty much every morning I have to tell myself that I should get out of bed because of something. And I don't know what to tell myself because I know that I could stay in bed all day and it wouldn't make a blip on a radar anywhere. I'm sorry if that doesn't sound nice but it's how it is. I'm having a hard time getting myself and my mind going in the direction I need to be a better person because even when I do something good I feel bad for being happy at something so small.

So at some point I'm out of bed and I learn, I'm trying to educate myself in the things I want for uni in the summer. I do good hours because that's a bit of my mind that is useful, I like to absorb things and learn. I should feel happy but I don't really because some things are missing.

Heres some stuff I've been making.
















The upside to having no life and spending a lot of time and effort on art things is that my work has got a lot better than it was before. I couldn't have done any of this, even these just kind of little things, until quite recently.

I had a good skate today, a good few hours just working on things in the sun. It hasn't been dry for ages but I'm back skating now since it has been a few times this week. Skateboarding makes me so happy because it's something I know how to interact with, I feel good about what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

 I can do some stuff on double kicks that I really enjoy, mostly boneless things because boneless ones rock all day every day. I always thought in my mind I just wanted to learn some way of leaving the ground and along the way I learnt how to just try things on a skateboard and really enjoy it so much more than ever before. Skateboarding has always been there since I found it, and I love that I've never been more creative in how I'm interacting with it.

 In terms of downhill, I got into a nice zone last year. Theres one or two things I know that I want to look at in terms of my setups, like looking at finally grabbing some 38 plates for the fast stuff on my sequel. I'm really interested in making this a good year for sliding, I'd like to learn a whole load of new stuff and can't wait to see what I can do. Theres so much I want to learn and I have the time and perseverance to do it. I still love skateboarding even after having such a long time recently not being able to do it because of the general badness of the weather.

anyway, I don't know who reads these but if I sounded all a bit sad earlier it's because I was, and if I sound better now it's because I am. And that is why I make art, skate and write stuff on the internet.

I'm really tired now so I'm going to sleep. I think that people function better when they are happy and that's what I'm going for in every bit of my life, so watch this space for that or a right big mess of art and skating and talking shit

will


Wednesday 12 February 2014

post leaving


At my college, the first one, I was fairly happy because I was able to manage the feeling thats probably been around to my mind since secondary school but maybe earlier. I'm saying that because even though at my second college, even though I wasn't happy there and it was the right decision to leave to reapply this year, I wasn't really bad because I had some kind of "thing" that was there and what I did.

Since leaving it has been difficult in a lot of ways. I can't talk about everything here. Really, a lot of it is that I need to feel like I'm doing ok, and being at a place and doing something, even if it's right to leave, that is something. But since leaving I don't feel that good. My days now, I'm putting good hours into learning. I'm progressing my work in a lot of areas as quickly as I ever have done so I should feel good about that. I'm learning better than if I had stayed at my college, which I should feel really good about. I have a capacity to study and absorb material and this is one of the features of my mind that is useful.

So I am doing better in terms of learning than at the course I was on. So I should feel great, I shouldn't be worried. The thing is though, my evenings are not very good and I'm not sleeping very well because I don't feel great. I've been in a good zone before where I could sleep quite early and wake up quite early. Now though, it's not so much like I get to the end of the day and think, "ok that's done", theres a lack of signing off ability because I'm trying to feel good about myself and not finding it. My mind seems to want to address and fix everything but I really just need to be asleep. You can't fix much on your own in a room at one or two in the morning. It's like waiting for something even though I know there's no point. So at some point I do sleep, and the morning rolls around but it's difficult to get the feeling together to get up. Partly because if your hours are different, they're different, but also there's a lack of good feeling.

Having a good kind of feeling is how you bounce through all of the bits of life that are just a bit obstructive without getting to down about any of it.

Anyway so I normally don't start doing productive things until about 12. I'll usually go until about 5, since that's when people get back and usually the space I'm working in doesn't become so appealing just because I like to have a bit of space. Sometimes, if I'm creating something and I'm really into it I'll go until whenever it's done, if I want to get it done. I'm trying not to do what I did before and start working in the late afternoon and go until midnight because I feel too wired to sleep.

I look at online resources, read and watch traditional and digital artists, photographers e.t.c talk about the work they are doing and the knowledge they have. I spend a lot of time creating in a range of media including traditional and digital paint, photography, pencil drawing and pen drawing. My artwork now is so much better than even a month ago, and compared to a year or two it's in another universe completely. It's not "good", but I can see the progress I am making.

So if I just look at the numbers and the progression of my work, I am doing better than if I stayed at Northbrook. There, I was in two and a half days a week, now I am putting in many more hours in more areas and seeing the results. So I know that I don't need a "place" to work hard and progress what I love doing, which is a cool thing. But I do miss, mostly from my first college since I was there a while longer, just kind of being in an environment with people doing the same kind of things I'm doing. I really like people because I think they are good for me, I think people kind of bring me out of my mind where I'm probably (definitely) really overthinking something and not all that much existing in the real world.

I really like writing like this, I know it's not really the done thing (ha) to be all that honest with how you are feeling, writing online, but it's good for me because I always feel better after expressing a few things. I also think by putting something "out there" I can help create an environment where people feel more like talking about things instead of just putting up with feeling shit.

I had a cold this week, and people understand that because you're coughing or whatever. If you're not feeling great, it affects how you go about your day too. However, writing this, I feel a good difference compared to before writing this. I'm going to get more stuff done today, I do feel a bit tired but I'll probably find some lunch and then start doing things.

The weather outside is really shit and it makes it colder indoors too, but our house isn't full of water.


will


Wednesday 5 February 2014

Travels and things

Hello. This is a lifey post.

So I have been to a couple of uni interviews and they went really well. First up was Portsmouth, a place I managed to drop in on last year to have a look around at an open day. Portsmouth is an hour hop on the train, direct, so minimal dorking around in that department. Although alas this saw me have to rock up a full hour early. A full hour!

I got off the train, rucksack on back and folder in hand, and went directly into time killing mode. This is an art refined over many free periods at college and even includes adapting ones walk to the time constraints. However, having to kill an hour when you are a mere five minutes from where you need to be means if you followed this procedure directly you would end up walking so slowly as to draw attention and possibly offers of assistance from onlookers.

So I wandered around a bit. They have a square thing outside a giant hall right by the station. Walking out from under a building into that-with people milling every which way and a giant t.v announcing the news headlines-felt like a scene from something sci-fi. Anyway I find a bench and rock the full on packed lunch because I'm cool like that. It's by a tree, so I sit facing the tree and the rest of the square but keep wondering if the idea is to sit under the tree looking away from it but decide I don't really care and keep eating. All of my food is shit because I made it myself the night before.

Time is too slow so I wander some more, go back on myself, end up at the same bench, find the building I'm supposed to be at later, walk another way, sit on a wall, look up a lot.

Anyway when I couldn't bear any more aimless wandering I arrived at the Eldon Building. It's been redone quite a bit since my last visit so the entrance was somewhere else and all that. It looked good. I wander in like an idiot. (I walk like someone who doesn't really know what their legs are doing but knows it's at least something vaguely like what I intended)
"Hi, I'm here for an interview for illustration" probably becomes "hi'mherrfernillstrtnnplzzz?" but I'm directed to the cafe and sit around. I'm feeling quite relaxed which surprises me. We get called- up a flight of stairs to a room.

Everyone has A1 folders.

I do not.

I detect human awkwardness in the pretty much silence but smile and make some noises in response to things. I don't really mind it just being silence in that sort of situation but some people do.

Anyway the tutor comes in, talks, is very nice and we start filling out question sheets. I write things as best I can think to put them. There's a bit at the bottom where we're supposed to draw what going to an interview feels like. I draw something that comes to mind and it's all kind of nice and I'm pleased with it. We go on a tour and do some interview stuff.

A few days later I got an offer from there. So I have an unconditional offer to study on an illustration degree at Portsmouth if I go for that. High five?

Next up was a further trip to Bournemouth. This involved a bus journey to town, train to southampton, train to bournemouth, bus in bournemouth. Now it sounds kind of funny but not so long ago that would have scared the HELL out of me to the point where I probably wouldn't have done it. And now it isn't something I really think about, which is a nice feeling.

Anyway firstly the yellow buses in bournemouth have faux leather seats which is awesome, and secondly I was very early again due to the long journey. I done some wandering before lurking heavily at a bus stop-packed lunch again, the envy of all around.

Eventually I head to my interview. It's with a few other people and they all seem to know the right things to say. It's really nice though because I get a lot of time to talk about stuff, as people that know me probably have realised I've got a lot of stuff in my head but it can come out like "aderpaderpderpderp" unless I've got time and I can make it all into proper bits of human speak. The interview went as well as it possibly could of done so I await the outcome of that.

Next up I'm going to Winchester School of Art-there's going to be a buffet.

Anyway, the idea of me doing what I'm doing now just wouldn't have been there a while ago. Even halfway through my Btec at Collyers it wasn't on the cards. But I've been working really hard on drawing, painting, digital work, photo stuff and more. I'm absorbing everything I can and the hours are being worked. The improvement from before makes me so happy.

Anyway, happy thursday morning. This went on for a while.

As ever you can find stuff from me on my page which I still don't know what to call:

https://www.facebook.com/ArtistPhotographerWillClare

All carrier pigeons with sweets and other forms of interaction welcomed.

Will